FIND YOUR WINGS

FIND YOUR WINGS

Enjoying your own company and learning to love yourself is one of the most fatiguing processes. For years I have obsessed over the fact that this is all based around looks. I’ve gone through phases of spending ridiculous amounts on streetwear, makeup and shoes, trying to make myself look better, thinking this would magically be the answer to all my shallow prayers.

Self-expression and being comfortable with the way you look does help, don’t get me wrong, but….it is also just a temporary cover for your issues within. This summer I decided to embrace my natural self. I recently have phased out pampering myself by stopping getting acrylic nails, eyelash extensions and have been fake tanning less; as once these things faded or grew out I was left with the same underlying doubts about the way I looked and felt worse about myself than ever.

I have come to terms with these features now in a safer way. Yes, I have friends who are skinnier than me, who have better figures than me, who have amazing blonde hair and bigger lips than me, but in the long run, what does that even mean? Instead of being jealous, I tell them how beautiful and amazing they are. They don’t love me any less because they have something better than me, so why should I love myself any less because of that either.

Going to uni was a big realisation for me. It can be the loneliest place in the world and if you aren’t close with your flat mates or course mates. At the start when it was all very new and overwhelming I really struggled to find happiness. I didn’t have my old friends around me who understood me, so all these things I hated about myself felt so vulnerable and fresh. I felt like that was all people could see me for and instead of embracing my flaws, I hid them. I shut myself away from everyone at university and avoided social situations. I would sit in my room with the door locked and question everything about myself and how I would ever make friends as good as my home ones again.

I was comparing myself to all these new people again and did everything I could do cover my natural self. I got eyelash extensions, new clothes, fake tanned, messed around with my hair, got new piercings, bought new makeup and starved myself. I thought by having all these looks based renovations that people would like me more. But this was such expensive upkeep and as soon as they all left I felt so depressed about myself again and got stuck in a rut.

Not only was my physical health depleting but I was either over eating or not eating at all. I was either gaining weight like mad and not fitting into my clothes or starving myself and losing a stone in two weeks. I literally never went out on nights out as I’d start getting ready and just feel so shit I couldn’t go, then my friends all just thought I was boring and lazy when really, I couldn’t mentally leave my room.

Sorry, this has all sounded so deep, BUT I am describing the situation, so I can now provide the answers lol xx

I now love my own company more than I ever have and am so content with myself because I have lowered my personal bar. Sometimes I will gain weight, sometimes I’ll have a nice natural tan, sometimes my course will interest me, and I will be super motivated to do well in life …SOMETIMES I WON’T WANNA LEAVE BED, DO WORK OR EAT WELL. That is literally just life.

To love your own company, you need to make time for others too. Do social activities, even if you don’t feel up to going out, do casual things like going to the cinema that don’t require you to look nice or impress people. Go for food and eat amazing flavours. Read a fuckin good book and then reward yourself with the film version once you finish the book. It is the little things that will stick with you in the long term.

Do exercise, get a takeaway, have a glass of wine, binge a boxset. 

Sometimes you need to treat yourself to perk yourself up, but don’t always think this has to be superficially or visually. Redecorate your room, buy new plants, lights and candles. Then there is this same selfish appeal that only you are benefiting from the spending, but instead it will last for years, unlike the fake nails do which originally gave you pleasure in the short term.

Promote your personality and forget about what others see visually. I don’t love my friends because of how they look, I weirdly love them more when they look their worst cus it’s just funnier. Stop thinking these artificial things will make you happy because I am honestly so happy when I am in pj’s with a face pack and an episode of peep show on. 

I guess my point is to spend time making yourself a more selfless person. Work on yourself emotionally and think about how your actions will affect your future instead of short-term gain. Consider what you want to achieve and how you want people to perceive you instead of superficial thrills and frivolous spending. Be attentive and giving but also be selfish and treat yourself because being happy with yourself and in your own company will last you a lifetime longer than the £40 foundation you have just bought. Be funny, make people laugh, look ugly because that is what people remember about you, not the outfit you were wearing that day.

Sorry for the rant but have a blessed summer and good luck to everyone starting uni in September, don't make the same mistakes I did xox