LIFE AFTER LOSS - EXPLORING GRIEF

Our sunshine x

One of the key reasons I have been so inactive with my blog has been due to personal reasons which have caused me to hit a block with hobbies. People deal with stuff differently, some people rise from the ashes and produce beautiful, thought provoking work and others need time to reflect. The last few months have been incredibly hard, and I am still not sure how to articulate myself properly.

After losing two very special people in a period of two months you can imagine it has not been an easy time. However, I think the topic of grief is something that is avoided in society and awkwardly brushed under the carpet… until it’s your turn to lose someone. I’d like to change that so people can understand that however you choose to deal with loss is completely rational and ok. Finding out you have lost someone you love is always going to be one of the hardest times in your life and for most cases, the pain doesn’t get easier, but you learn to adapt and deal with the hole that has been created.

I think a lot of how you deal with a loss relies on the circumstances. This is where the two types of loss come to light- expected loss and traumatic loss.  When someone is a lot older with a long-term illness or in poor health, it is still hard, but you get a certain peace knowing they are out of pain. You can reflect on their amazing life on earth, their achievements and your vast memories together.  I found my mentality to be a lot more rational and reflective.

For me, grief hits the hardest when the person you lost is young and at the beginning of their journey. There is something so surreal about being able to see a visible gap of where that person should be. When you go to certain places you just expect to see them there, and then it hits you all over again when you remember what’s happened. That feeling never goes away.

Traumatic loss is indescribable. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (not that I have any but still). There is no rationale. You can’t think about it in a sane way as the idea of it is so insane to imagine. I don’t have much advice for that as it doesn’t ever get easier, but I wanted to share my responses to this kind of trauma.

I am in such awe of the complete strength that families develop when adjusting to loss. It is beyond explainable the amount your heart will ache. Mine aches so often, I hear a certain song or watch a certain film and suddenly I’m overcome with it. You can’t stop this and probably never will, at first this is so painful and uncomfortable, but now I see it as my time with that person. I play that song with the intent to mourn them and think about them. Your body begins to develop certain responses to those stimuli, but I think it is healthy to cry, and cherish that 3 minutes with them.

Dreams are another common response to grief. In the last few months I have been having the most vivid dreams that these people are with me, in such mundane situations, just having a cup of tea or sitting in the sun. It is as if they never went anywhere, and you can just sit and chat to them until you suddenly wake up overcome with grief and sadness again that it was all a dream. My responses have changed to dreams in the last few weeks, I now wake up almost happy that I got a little bit more time with them, however long or short. It is weird how your body adapts to the grief; you are having the same responses, but you know to expect them and try take a positive memory away with you.

Finding time for the person you have lost is also important; whether that be visiting a place you used to share together or visiting their grave. I think it is essential to keep their memory alive and in conversation. Taking time with your friends and loved ones to share stories and memories is my favourite way to celebrate someone’s life. So often people avoid the topic as it makes them feel awkward or uncomfortable. I promise you the one thing I have learnt from all this, is how much it means to people to hear about your special times with the person you have all lost. It brings to light new stories that they may never have heard before and adds to the mental scrapbook each person keeps embedded in their thoughts.

Guilt is the worst. The crippling anxiety that you should have said I love you more or that you should have made more effort, reached out one last time, given them one last hug. These things eat away at you. Looking through your old messages and texts, seeing what you should have done or said. It isn’t healthy but it is also practically unavoidable. You just want to reflect on everything you shared with them and that is fine. What you can’t do is blame yourself or regret anything you did. It will only break you heart more than it already is.

Don’t isolate yourself. I find grief easier to deal with when I am surrounded by people who are in the same pain and understand how you are feeling. Being at uni was a really bad place for me when we lost Al. I wasn’t with people who knew him or were going through the same thing mentally. You then feel as if you must contain it and do it behind closed doors. That’s not healthy either. I didn’t want to be a drain on anyone but also didn’t want to do anything fun or positive as I then felt guilt and unease that I wasn’t thinking about him. That’s also fine. If you need to take time from work, uni, socialising that is so normal. Don’t feel bad about it.

"Death is God's great blunder, sunset and dawn are how he blushes for shame and asks for our forgiveness each and every day" 

There are no positives from loss. However much you may learn about yourself and your responses, it is never better than just having that person there with you. That’s why I hate it when people talk about lessons they’ve learnt from death and give you the whole ‘silver linings’ line. There are no silver linings to it. That almost undermines the whole situation. The long and short of it is that you must be kind and warm and forgiving to every person you ever meet. Don’t hold grudges, don’t say things you would ever regret, see people you love as much as you can and be there for anyone that needs it.

My wise friend Al once told me "there is help out there if you look, all you need to do is ask" and he is right. The tools you need to build yourself back up are right in front of you, but it isn't a easy journey.

You will never understand the impact you have had on the world; however old you are. It is something you will always deny and underplay but you should never underestimate the number of people you have touched in your life. I promise you that when someone leaves the world, so does so many parts of the people that knew them. Hundreds of fragments of people’s personalities will have changed because they are not here anymore.

Losing someone completely changes you. It has changed the way I hold myself, a certain gentleness that comes with vulnerability. I don't see that as a negative though. Being kinder and more sensitive to every situation is never a bad thing. It is something that often follows after a traumatic experience. Keep up the kindness for them.

I have tried writing so many times about this topic and I still don’t feel ready to speak about parts of it. All I will say is don’t torture yourself with regret and guilt. Speak to people and be open when you are struggling, chances are they are too. Spread love and cherish your memories. Speak about them as much as you can. It will never get boring.

For Al and Grandma x

25.8.99- 29.10.19

17.6.37 - 7.1.20

I can’t wait for blue skies. The sunshine peaking through the clouds has always reminded me of the people I’ve lost saying hello and giving me some sun to get me through the day. Little things like that keep you going.