No sunshine, no self love

To start, can we all admit that this winter has been the worst already?  I think being robbed of a proper summer and some sunshine has made this season change even more depressing. 

I also find the world overwhelmingly overwhelming at the moment. The news is always a dark place, but I’ve been more scared for humanity of late. The recent spiking surges, multiple acts of violence against women in the news, murders, attacks and the never ending nightmare of covid. 

It has been another incredibly sad couple of months for loss. Cancer has taken stars in the shape of Willie Garson, Virgil Abloh and Sarah Harding far too young. I feel like my news updates are a constant bombardment of depressing headlines. If it isn’t covid related, then it’s climate change, cancer, murder,etc. It’s a lot to process daily. 

I find myself a very negative person in winter. It saddens me that something like sunlight can have such an impact on the way I see the world, but it truly does. 

Waking up feels ten times harder, leaving the house feels like a torture method and getting in and out the shower is unbearable. 

My skin is pale and patchy, my lips feel dry and my feet are always cold. It is so hard to feel truly confident in darkness. I wake up and it’s dark, I come home from work and it’s dark. My brain can’t comprehend happiness when I am surrounded by darkness. It’s not that I hate my everyday, it’s that I struggle to shine in it. 

As someone who suffers with anxiety and depression, winter heightens all those everyday struggles which are made easier with sunshine. I take great happiness from blue skies, long evenings, warm air and sunsets. Knowing I have to wait six months for this is a lot. It’s those little seasonal things you take for granted, when you are moaning about having to use a fan at night, count yourself lucky it isn't a hot water bottle.  

I dream of Spring, the freshness and renewal that it brings. It never disappoints. When we get to April, it is like the first sip of water when you wake up hungover, magical. Daffodils and that. 

I’ve frantically been reading ways to beat seasonal depression. The usual desperate google searches. Followed by the classic line up of: a new journal to dump my feelings into,  starting a yoga class, buying 30 different types of vitamins to attempt to fix myself and tidying my room every Sunday as a form of therapy. I’m yet to buy myself the SAD lamp but that’s on my Christmas list. 

I still feel shit, now what?

Well I have started living day by day, planning weekend activities as a way to push through the inevitable weekdays of darkness. At least on weekends, I can be outside in daylight and not behind a desk, which definitely helps. But then it’s Sunday and I have the scaries all over again.

I start to see the world as a negative space which is against me. When in reality, it is against all of us at the moment. It isn't a personal issue that only I am facing, which makes me realise how irrational I am being. We are all cold, tired and in this together. I spend so much time stewing on negative thoughts, the extra time trapped inside often acts against me, when I could really be using this time for more self care and reflection. 

So from now on, I am going to be proactive. When I am feeling sad and drained, I want to do one thing to benefit myself or someone else. Whether it be writing a letter to a loved one, selling some bits on vinted, cleaning the house, cooking something, watching a film that's been on my list for years, journaling, doing a wash load, sorting the recycling, facetiming my mum, doing a hair mask or face pack. Little acts of love and self care will carry me through each day. I got this.

“What good is the warmth of summer, without the coldness of winter to give it sweetness”  

- John Steinbeck.

What I'm reading:

What it feels like for a girl - Paris Lees

Misfits - Michaela Cole

Who I'm listening to:

Olivia Dean

Eliza - A real romantic

Katy B - Peaceful offerings EP

Swindle - The new world (album of the year for me)

Adele - 30

Ezra Collective

A lot of Kojey Radical 

Bee Gees

Cleo Sol - Mother 

Lava La Rue 

The playlist called Butter on Spotify

Self care:

Vitamin C serum from Primark is so glowy and lush (£3)

Coconut primer from Lottie London (makes you glowy on the gloomiest of days)

Vitamins - turmeric, vit D, 5htp