Grief 2.0
Since I last wrote about grief, a lot has changed. We have experienced the pandemic and such a large scale of loss all around the world. So I believe it is now more than ever we need to talk about grieving and how lonely the process can be.
As shit as it is, grief is part of the natural processes of life. It even has value, since it marks your ability to love, but is still the worst part of life in my opinion.
When you lose someone, you lose parts of yourself with them. There are parts of you that will never recover or heal, and that is ok. I really feel that it would be worse if everything carried on as normal, I don't think loss should ever be forgotten about or ‘healed’, because their portion of your heart will always belong to them. It never heals but you learn ways to deal with the pain and distract yourself.
Somedays it will overwhelm you, your usual techniques of distraction won't be enough and your brain will torture you with the thought of them, or their voice or smell. I think these days are important (as horrible as they are) because they remind you and almost overload you with them. When these days happen, you need to embrace it and commit to it. You won't be able to focus on simple tasks and you may need to cry into your pillow to Sufjan Stevens, just let it all out.
By the end of these days you are filled with all the positive memories and it almost works to refresh your memory bank and remind you of what you had. Life can get busy and I find myself distracted, but I don't want to forget them and you shouldn't, which is why you need these breakdown days.
What things can help you positively remember someone?
Make a playlist of songs that remind you of them, when you listen to it, try to smile and think of when you used to sing/dance to it. You might instantly cry and that is fine too, but as long as you are remembering special times with your loved one I don't think it matters if you laugh or cry.
Journal. Try to note down as many memories as possible, it is easy to forget small details as time goes on, but if you can write down as much as you can then at least you can refer back to it and refresh your memories with those small important details.
It is also good to journal about your mood and how you are feeling, it can help you understand triggers and certain time periods which may be hard for you, which will help you prepare for it in the future.
Turn to others for support. This is the time you need to rely on others. Especially if they were close to the person you lost, it allows you to find comfort in their mutual experiences and share memories. It usually ends as a positive experience as you can truly reminisce about that person and remember new details.
Write them a letter. I sometimes feel sad that I can't tell them something that has happened in my life. When you achieve something you often feel the urge to tell them and then you remember. You can't.
But I think we should still, even if it makes you feel a bit crazy. Talking to them at their grave or writing them a letter and reading it to them in a space that reminds you of them can feel empowering, the idea that they might be listening and proud of you does wonders. You can't lose anything by speaking to them in your special place, so you might as well at this point.
Loss stirs up complex emotions, such as anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, and regret. But if you channel that into future relationships, it can help you do better. You can never be too kind as you never know when the last time you will see that person again. Remember that next time you want to get angry at someone or send them a negative message. Please imagine if that is the last time you have with them. I will leave you with this.
“A thousand moments I had taken for granted mostly because I assumed there would be a thousand more”
Morgan Matson
